You Can Dish It Out, But Can You Take It?

crit·i·cism [krit-uh-siz-uhm] (noun) - 1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything. 2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

“One mustn’t criticize other people on grounds where he can’t stand perpendicular himself.” (Mark Twain)

-----

Here’s a scenario I would like for you to imagine. It is the year 1512. Michelangelo, a renowned painter and sculpture, had just put in the finishing touch on his work on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Four years of blood, sweat and tears spent on such an intricate piece of work. As he wiped the sweat from his brow and took a deep breath, the Pope walks in. The exhausted painter steps back, proud of his work and lets the pontiff take it in.

Four years. 300 figures, all rendered in painstaking detail. The ultimate rendition of the doctrine, painted on a curved ceiling more than 65 feet in the air and almost 46 feet wide. All done on a customized scaffold designed by the artist himself. All detail rendered while standing up, his head craned back very uncomfortably. Even as he patiently waits, he massages the back of his stiff neck.

The Pope turns to the artist, lets out a sigh, then points to a small spot somewhere in the midst of the painting and says disappointingly, “You missed a spot.”

While this scenario did not happen, I know that a lot of us go through situations just like this. We all have people who love to do nothing more than to criticize every single thing you do. It could be a parent, a sibling, a friend, your best friend, your boss, your neighbor, or anyone in between. If you are a pet owner, it’s usually the cat. Just for the record, it’s never the dog.

We would like to avoid them, but we can’t. Like the drunk uncle at the Christmas party, they always show up at the right moment to kill the mood.

“Look at my kitchen remodeling job,” you say with pride.
“That doesn’t look like oak wood,” they say, hands on hips.
“Well, yeah, but look at the new stove,” you say, trying your best to stay calm.
“Why did you get a gas stove?” they ask even as they pass their eyes over it.
“Gas is cheaper and more efficient,” you answer with a nervous laugh. “Besides, you can’t say the refrigerator isn’t nice.”
“Is that stainless steel?” they ask.
“Yes,” you nod approvingly.
“Do you know how hard stainless steel is to clean?” they comment.

Why do some people do this? Oftentimes, it’s to make themselves feel superior to others. They have a need to be perfect, and what better way to feel that way than to look for fault in others. Here’s the irony: those that criticize harshly cannot deal with criticism. Even while they try to knock you down, in most cases they are the ones with fragile self-esteem. They are the ones who feel that they are worthless. So rather than acknowledge this, they would rather make themselves feel better by making you feel worse.

But the instant you say something about them, they suddenly become defensive, dismissive, and downright hostile. Suddenly, you have nothing to say that they want to hear.

“Look at my new $400 purse,” they boast while displaying it, making sure that the name brand is visible. “It was on sale this weekend.”
“$400? Isn’t that a little steep?” you ask, concerned.
“Don’t be jealous,” they say after sucking their teeth. “Besides, I work hard. I deserve it.”
“It’s not that,” you say, “but didn’t you just say that it was hard for you to pay your bills this month? $400 could go a long way in fixing that.”
“I don’t want to hear it!” they shout defensively while glaring daggers at you. “You don’t know what you're talking about! I’m keeping it, and that’s that!”

I believe in the power of constructive criticism. If I make a comment, it’s not to tear someone down or knock the wind out of their sails. I’ll throw in encouragement and understanding along with the comment. I admit that I do stand on the philosophy of brutal honesty with those that I love or associate myself with, but I do it with love.

In turn, I expect the same thing from them. In fact, I encourage it. I can’t tolerate yes-people. If I’m doing something that's stupid, just come up to me, hit me on the back of the head, and say, “That was stupid.” Even if I get mad at the moment, I will come to my senses sooner than later. Then we can hug it out or something.

In the Bible, Matthew 7:1-5 talks about this:

¹“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ²For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
³“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.”

In essence, it says that we should never look at others down our noses and think we are better than the next man. None - I repeat and emphasize, none - of us are perfect. All of us have our faults, and if we judge others with the intent to maliciously nitpick on all of their faults in an effort to boost our sense of superiority, then we should expect the same thing to be done to us.

So if you have to say something, say it constructively. Offer solutions, encouragement, or just simple understanding. Offer it with love and respect. Otherwise, you might as well slap the person in the face.

Remember, what comes around goes around. Can you take it when it comes back?