Regret Me Not

“You see, there is only one constant. One universal. It is the only real truth. Causality. Action, reaction. Cause and effect.” (The Merovingian, “The Matrix: Reloaded”)

“If ‘ifs’ were fifths, we’d all be drunk.” (Author unknown)

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[A big thanks to my good friend, Jessica, for this topic. --Ed]

It has taken me 40 years to say this, but I can actually do so with a humble, yet cheesy smile: I do not regret who I am.

Don’t get me wrong. That does not mean that I haven’t done things that I regretted. It doesn’t mean that I have never done anything embarrassing, illegal (the stupid kind, not the felony kind), or both. It doesn’t mean that I have no enemies, anxiously waiting for me to fail or screw up. And it certainly doesn’t mean that my life is perfect and that I have no major concerns or worries.

But I honestly don’t regret who I am.

I wasn’t always this way, or course. Over the majority of my life, I often repeated this same phrase: “If this hadn’t happened, things would be different.” I’m sure that many people say or have said the same thing. It’s easy to say and even easier to believe, because something deep inside of us knows that the world is not going to give anyone a break but there has to be something better than this. It’s that same drive that keeps us going, no matter how bleak our circumstances are.

All of us have a word for it. Hope.

Over time, I made choices, both good and bad. Some of them were brilliant. Some of them were downright stupid. And again, the “if” sentence would rise like a phoenix from the ashes of the past.

If my parents hadn’t divorced…
If I had stayed in New York…
If I had chosen to live with my father instead of my mother…
If I had joined the military…
If I stayed in the engineering program instead of going into computer science…
If I had taken the job offer in New York instead of deciding to continue my college education…
If I had pursued my Master’s degree right away…
If I had waited longer to get married…

If. If. If! I think at this point, if “ifs” were fifths, I’d be in a hospital dying of alcohol poisoning.

I think the turning point for me was about six months ago. One of my best friends, Donna, reminded me of a passage in the Bible that really hit it home for me. It was Romans 8:28:

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

She broke it down to me like this: “All of your experiences shaped you into the man you are today. Let’s say that things happened differently. Would you guarantee that you would still be the same person that you are right now?”

After I thought about the question, I knew the answer.

I wouldn’t be as compassionate for my fellow man as I am now. I would’ve been cockier (and probably an asshole on top of that). I wouldn’t have been as appreciative of the little things. I’m sure that my viewpoint on fairness wouldn’t exist. I would be more close-minded. My view of loyalty would be less defined. I would have never started on my spiritual journey when I did, if ever. And, on top of all that, I would have missed out on all of the wonderful people that I know and love.

I would not be the man that God is shaping me to become.

So, for those of you who are struggling with your pasts, wondering if you made the right decisions or if you should’ve taken another road, always remember that all things have a way of working themselves out, especially if you have faith. None of us are immune to causality. Faith just makes it easier to bear.

Plus, if you are someone that I call friend, cousin, brother or sister, then that means that no matter what happened to you or what decision you made, it made you into some that I actually like. As picky as I am, it doesn’t get any better than that.

Seriously though, always remember that until you are dead, you are a work-in-progress. And by the time God’s done with you, you’ll see yourself as the beautiful and wonderfully made being that He envisioned you to be from Day 1.

Waiting For Miss Manners

man·ners [man-ers] (plural noun) - 1. social conduct. 2. a socially acceptable way of behaving.

“It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.” (Author unknown)

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[A big thanks to my good friend, Cheryl, for this topic. --Ed]

Picture this. I’m at church, attending first service with my wife and children. We arrived about fifteen minutes before the service started so that we can get a good seat, since our church tends to get very crowded very quickly, and end up in the second row (first row is for the bishop and his family, his wife, children, pastors, and honored guests). So as we’re waiting for the service to start, one of the pastors walked up to us, smiling as she approached, and gave my wife a big hug while greeting her. And then she walked off (cue scratched record), ignoring me.

What the f***?

It wasn’t the first particular incident that something like this happened, but it was the most prominent for me because of how blatant it was. But I can speak of several instances where I was suddenly the Invisible Man and ignored. The youth at the church are real good at this. They can literally sit in the same room as you and not say one word to you while they are chatting with someone else.

Growing up in a Haitian culture (and I think that a majority of Caribbean cultures are like this), I was taught that elders were always to be respected and heeded. Boys were expected to greet all the female elders with a kiss on the cheek and all male elders with a handshake while girls were supposed to kiss any elder on the cheek regardless of gender. Then, unless they had questions for you, you were to go and join the other kids in whatever room they happened to be in. Under no circumstances were you to be in a room where adults were congregating and speaking unless called to that room by one of those adults. You were not allowed to give any adult an attitude, since that was seen as disrespect. Also, interrupting a conversation without starting with “excuse me” was a guarantee that you were going to get a whooping.

Now, don’t get me wrong. My culture has its issues (for example, in an argument between a child and an adult, the adult is automatically right, even if they are wrong) but I think it gave me a good foundation for dealing with the world in general. I was a good student because I respected my instructors, even when I was in college. Every adult I met took a liking to me, to the extent that I was easily welcomed into many of my friends’ homes like any of their children (I have a lot of “Moms” who adopted me). Even now, I’ve been told that if someone doesn’t like me, it must be because something is wrong with them, not me.

Yet, too often nowadays, I see children disrespecting adults as if they lack home training. My daughter is very strong-willed and opinionated (like her old man), which tends to get her in trouble with my wife because she still has that immature mindset that tells her that she knows everything. I am constantly reminding her that while she might have a point, saying it with an attitude will get her nowhere. She’s a good child overall, but like many of our youth, has a lot to learn.

And I can’t leave the adults out of this. Many of them could go a long way to make this world better is they knew how to treat other people with courtesy and respect. Some people think that having a title or some authority entitles them to treat everyone else like grade-A crap, but it doesn’t. A kind greeting goes a long way. A pat on the back, a reassuring word, a simple thank – these are things that can uplift someone who’s down. All of us are dealing with a tough economy, loss of income, lack of faith in our own government and life in general. For all you know, a hello and a smile might be all that stands between you and someone ready to climb up to the roof and take a dive. God made us all unique, but that does not give you the right to be an asshole, much less a unique one.

I have no easy solutions to this. Maybe we need to introduce an etiquette class in school so that kids know how they are supposed to act. Maybe parents need to get their act together and teach their kids that disrespect in any way, shape or form is not acceptable. Maybe every person should be required to do one year of military service (now that’s a place to learn discipline!). I know: we can add a Department of Etiquette and Manners to the government, with Miss Manners as the Secretary.

Once upon a time, I worked at BellSouth as a customer service rep. Of all the things that I learned from there (many of them bad & demoralizing, by the way), I did keep one thing that my trainer taught me, and that was this: “It’s never about how the conversation starts. It’s always about how that person feels by the time the conversation ends.”