“You see, there is only one constant. One universal. It is the only real truth. Causality. Action, reaction. Cause and effect.” (The Merovingian, “The Matrix: Reloaded”)
“If ‘ifs’ were fifths, we’d all be drunk.” (Author unknown)
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[A big thanks to my good friend, Jessica, for this topic. --Ed]
It has taken me 40 years to say this, but I can actually do so with a humble, yet cheesy smile: I do not regret who I am.
Don’t get me wrong. That does not mean that I haven’t done things that I regretted. It doesn’t mean that I have never done anything embarrassing, illegal (the stupid kind, not the felony kind), or both. It doesn’t mean that I have no enemies, anxiously waiting for me to fail or screw up. And it certainly doesn’t mean that my life is perfect and that I have no major concerns or worries.
But I honestly don’t regret who I am.
I wasn’t always this way, or course. Over the majority of my life, I often repeated this same phrase: “If this hadn’t happened, things would be different.” I’m sure that many people say or have said the same thing. It’s easy to say and even easier to believe, because something deep inside of us knows that the world is not going to give anyone a break but there has to be something better than this. It’s that same drive that keeps us going, no matter how bleak our circumstances are.
All of us have a word for it. Hope.
Over time, I made choices, both good and bad. Some of them were brilliant. Some of them were downright stupid. And again, the “if” sentence would rise like a phoenix from the ashes of the past.
If my parents hadn’t divorced…
If I had stayed in New York…
If I had chosen to live with my father instead of my mother…
If I had joined the military…
If I stayed in the engineering program instead of going into computer science…
If I had taken the job offer in New York instead of deciding to continue my college education…
If I had pursued my Master’s degree right away…
If I had waited longer to get married…
If. If. If! I think at this point, if “ifs” were fifths, I’d be in a hospital dying of alcohol poisoning.
I think the turning point for me was about six months ago. One of my best friends, Donna, reminded me of a passage in the Bible that really hit it home for me. It was Romans 8:28:
After I thought about the question, I knew the answer.
I wouldn’t be as compassionate for my fellow man as I am now. I would’ve been cockier (and probably an asshole on top of that). I wouldn’t have been as appreciative of the little things. I’m sure that my viewpoint on fairness wouldn’t exist. I would be more close-minded. My view of loyalty would be less defined. I would have never started on my spiritual journey when I did, if ever. And, on top of all that, I would have missed out on all of the wonderful people that I know and love.
I would not be the man that God is shaping me to become.
So, for those of you who are struggling with your pasts, wondering if you made the right decisions or if you should’ve taken another road, always remember that all things have a way of working themselves out, especially if you have faith. None of us are immune to causality. Faith just makes it easier to bear.
Plus, if you are someone that I call friend, cousin, brother or sister, then that means that no matter what happened to you or what decision you made, it made you into some that I actually like. As picky as I am, it doesn’t get any better than that.
Seriously though, always remember that until you are dead, you are a work-in-progress. And by the time God’s done with you, you’ll see yourself as the beautiful and wonderfully made being that He envisioned you to be from Day 1.
“If ‘ifs’ were fifths, we’d all be drunk.” (Author unknown)
-----
[A big thanks to my good friend, Jessica, for this topic. --Ed]
It has taken me 40 years to say this, but I can actually do so with a humble, yet cheesy smile: I do not regret who I am.
Don’t get me wrong. That does not mean that I haven’t done things that I regretted. It doesn’t mean that I have never done anything embarrassing, illegal (the stupid kind, not the felony kind), or both. It doesn’t mean that I have no enemies, anxiously waiting for me to fail or screw up. And it certainly doesn’t mean that my life is perfect and that I have no major concerns or worries.
But I honestly don’t regret who I am.
I wasn’t always this way, or course. Over the majority of my life, I often repeated this same phrase: “If this hadn’t happened, things would be different.” I’m sure that many people say or have said the same thing. It’s easy to say and even easier to believe, because something deep inside of us knows that the world is not going to give anyone a break but there has to be something better than this. It’s that same drive that keeps us going, no matter how bleak our circumstances are.
All of us have a word for it. Hope.
Over time, I made choices, both good and bad. Some of them were brilliant. Some of them were downright stupid. And again, the “if” sentence would rise like a phoenix from the ashes of the past.
If my parents hadn’t divorced…
If I had stayed in New York…
If I had chosen to live with my father instead of my mother…
If I had joined the military…
If I stayed in the engineering program instead of going into computer science…
If I had taken the job offer in New York instead of deciding to continue my college education…
If I had pursued my Master’s degree right away…
If I had waited longer to get married…
If. If. If! I think at this point, if “ifs” were fifths, I’d be in a hospital dying of alcohol poisoning.
I think the turning point for me was about six months ago. One of my best friends, Donna, reminded me of a passage in the Bible that really hit it home for me. It was Romans 8:28:
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”She broke it down to me like this: “All of your experiences shaped you into the man you are today. Let’s say that things happened differently. Would you guarantee that you would still be the same person that you are right now?”
After I thought about the question, I knew the answer.
I wouldn’t be as compassionate for my fellow man as I am now. I would’ve been cockier (and probably an asshole on top of that). I wouldn’t have been as appreciative of the little things. I’m sure that my viewpoint on fairness wouldn’t exist. I would be more close-minded. My view of loyalty would be less defined. I would have never started on my spiritual journey when I did, if ever. And, on top of all that, I would have missed out on all of the wonderful people that I know and love.
I would not be the man that God is shaping me to become.
So, for those of you who are struggling with your pasts, wondering if you made the right decisions or if you should’ve taken another road, always remember that all things have a way of working themselves out, especially if you have faith. None of us are immune to causality. Faith just makes it easier to bear.
Plus, if you are someone that I call friend, cousin, brother or sister, then that means that no matter what happened to you or what decision you made, it made you into some that I actually like. As picky as I am, it doesn’t get any better than that.
Seriously though, always remember that until you are dead, you are a work-in-progress. And by the time God’s done with you, you’ll see yourself as the beautiful and wonderfully made being that He envisioned you to be from Day 1.
Thanks for the post!
ReplyDeleteAs a Doctor Who fan (and general time-travel/time-mess-around-with fan), the topic comes up in conversations. I had a more-or-less crappy school life until I hit my high-school, which had over 2000 kids and therefore, a high enough number of "geeks" where we could be a "group" and not easily singled out to be bullied. Despite the general craptacular-ness and abuse during the developmental years of school, in retrospect, I don't think I'd want to change any of it because I feel I'm a more compassionate person from it.
When I look back on my life, I've made some crazy and stupid mistakes, but once I was out of my teens and into college, I never wanted to actually change any of it. I was aware of the kind of person it made me.
I don't have children yet, but my husband and I have discussed that on numerous times; he was also abused pretty bad by the school system and fellow students. Both of us were above-average intelligence and into "geeky" or "spooky" things. Genetically speaking, any children we have are likely to share those traits and, if put into the public school system, likely to receive similar abuses. (Sorry, I don't hold much hope for current awareness of bullying to actually have much affect on the problem.)
The conundrum: Both my husband and I like the people we continue to become; the people we continue to become is strongly based on formative years of being bullied in schools that, generally also, were ill-prepared to challenge and teach smarter students. If we have children, and shelter them from the awful circumstances in public schools either via home school or private school, will they have the life experiences to deal compassionately and intelligently with a world that still bullies and marginalizes intelligent, geeky people who don't fit easily into the mainstream?
Another writer friend of mine has a story where the main protagonist, who was picked on throughout school, is faced with the problem that her daughter is a "popular person" at school and, per social status, looks down upon and doesn't realize her exclusive actions are hurting other people. That would be a nightmare for me! You can tell someone, "That's hurtful," but if they have not experienced the pain, how well can they empathize and how well are they motivated to be better?
Sorry for the rambling. ;) Your posts often inspire me to think about life! Thank you :)
I feel you on this, Trish. My high school years weren't what I consider the best years of my life, either. I learned that even the "nerds" have cliques that will exclude you for being "different" from them. In time, I took the mantle with pride, calling myself an "outsider" who never belonged to any group or clique, yet could straddle the lines between any of them. And I know that it is what gave me the sense of compassion and fair-is-fair mentality that I have today.
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, as a father whose children inherited certain aspects of me, I can tell you that it can actually be an advantage for them because they would have someone to guide them and let them know that it's okay to be different. I'm betting that, like me, you didn't have that. My daughter, for example, is a popular child who embraces her differences & still manages to make friends who like her for who she is. I believe that the wife and I had a lot to do with that because we taught her that it was okay to be different & we always had her back, so to speak, so she has great self-esteem. And we're quick to let her know our stories so that she can understand that she needs to be compassionate to her fellow students, whether they be jock, geek, or otherwise.
Hiding is never the answer. Teach them to stand their ground and be proud of who they are. Teach them to celebrate differences rather than use them to create divisions of "us vs. them".
IMHO, based on what I know about you and what I've read about your husband, I think you'll make great parents.