Team Screw Bella

The apocalypse has arrived today. The end of days has begun. The seventh sign has been opened.

Eclipse opens today.

Thousands... nay, millions of female tweens, teenagers and (sadly) adults will be screaming in excitement as they drive en masse for the privilege of standing in line to feed the Beast (aka the box office) in order to satiate their desire to answer the one question that is more important than the meaning of the universe, the origin of life, or why we cannot wear white after Labor Day:

Will Bella choose Edward or Jacob?

Ever since the beginning of time (roughly three years ago), girls of all ages have been fawning over the stories of Bella Swan, a young teenage girl who falls in love with a vampire. They have followed her tragic plight as she soon became enamored with a werewolf and came to realize that she had to choose between them. And when the movies came out, they ran to the theatres like lemmings, desperate to see this story emerge on the big screen.

In time, the masses came to realize that a choice had to be made, one that would shake the core of friendships, families and even strangers. Like the age-old choice between Tastes Great or Less Filling, every individual on the planet Earth had to make the ultimate choice: Team Edward or Team Jacob?

I have been asked this question several times over the last year by my wife, daughter, niece, sister-in-law, nephew, son, fish and dog. Because I have chosen not to make a choice -- which to me is like choosing whether to die by gun or knife -- I have been told that I am on Team Switzerland (whatever that means).

Translation: Choose a team or one will be chosen for you.

Then I had an epiphany. The clouds parted. Sunlight bathed me in golden rays. A new revelation was given to me. If I have to be on a team, then I will make a new one. One that will force others to see the truth in this time of darkness.

And thus, Team Screw Bella was born (actually, it was Team **** Bella, but there are children present).

By now, I am being hunted by several hit squads of offended tweens and teenagers (particularly the Girl Scouts, who have more resources than the CIA), so let me explain the philosophy of this team quickly so that you may pass it along to the unenlightened.

I have sat and watched the movies (which, by the way, should replace waterboarding as a torture technique due to its merciless cruelty). I tried to read the first book (I say tried because the more I read, the more my eyes wanted to shrivel) because I thought the book had something that I must have missed in the movie. However, it only confirmed my opinion, which must be said:

Bella Swan is (a) a whiny, miserable bitch and (b) a terrible role model for girls everywhere.

First of all, from word one, she is miserable. She is so depressing that emos look at her and wonder what's her problem. Since the book is written in first person, the reader is subjected to her misery in all of its ways and forms that I almost think it should be used as a suicide prevention manual. She whines about moving. She complains about moving from Arizona, where despite the heat and sun she's as pale as a ghost (which explains why she moans like one).

Secondly, she defines herself by her relationship with the vampire, Edward (who is perhaps the only person paler than Bella). In the second book, New Moon, when he leaves her to protect her, she goes crazy and tries to get herself in all kinds of trouble because she figures that would be the only way she could "see" him. Even worse, she toys with the emotions of Jacob, using him as a substitute for the absent vampire.

Yes, I know a lot of girls toy with the emotions of boys, but that's not the point. The point is she has no goals, no ambitions other than to be with Edward. He defines her life and gives it meaning. From what I've seen and read, it's the only thing that makes her happy (another sign of the apocalypse). Without him, she is nothing, and not even Jacob (aka the quintessential "nice guy", and you know what happens to nice guys) can change that. If he does, it's only temporary, until Edward returns, whereupon Jacob is put away like the dog that is put out of the house.

Yet, girls want to be her. They want to be part of her world and to know what it is to be torn between the love of a vampire and a werewolf. Yet, she isn't torn. She wants the vampire, but will take the werewolf when the vampire's gone. The vampire's always first choice. And the werewolf? Dangling on a string until she needs him, hoping that some day, he will be the one.

Sigh.

So I say Screw Bella! Edward and Jacob are better off without her making their lives as miserable as she is. If she's not around, then Edward won't have to suffer so much about wanting to bite her (a lesson in masochism if I ever heard one, but that's for another article). Jacob could finally find a girl that would actually appreciate him for who he is and not treat him as a substitute. The little girls that think Bella is cool would learn that having self-esteem and self-ambition is actually good for you and that you can be all right without a man in your life.

So, from here on out, I am on Team Screw Bella. So far, I've recruited the fish and the dog.

Now, I got to run. I hear little feet sneaking around my safehouse. I think the Girl Scouts have found me.